It’s been very …. exciting i guess you could say, around here.
I’ve been super quiet ever since i left retail and started a new career. After studying my butt off for 10 months i got some great basic knowledge of the wedding industry; enough so that i got the amazing role as wedding and events coordinator at a local resort. It was a great place, job and experience. It kept me superrrrrrrr busy! so much so that it was affecting everything else in my life. My husband never saw me and every time he wanted to do a spontaneous date he got let down or had to ruin the surprise by checking with me first. I missed big milestones across the whole family. nephews being born and first birthdays, weddings, farewells and fishing trips with my dad…. not cool!
It seemed to start having an effect me emotionally, mentally and physically. I put so much pressure on myself to do a perfect job, not be perfect but just make everyone proud of me and deserve a pat on the back once in a while. Something that i know is not easy for a lot of people to hear is this… what shook our world… yes we are young, we have our whole lives ahead of us but if you know me you’d know how much of a nest’er i am, i want nothing more in this life of mine than to be a mom. We have been trying for quite some time to have a baby, not forcing it but definitely trying to move the universe for us. This year we were given hope, we had a magical 6 weeks of pretending like we knew what we were in for and weeks of smiles and giggles about dressing up the spare room. the room that from day one I have called the nursery and refuse to make it an office or a spare or the meditation room because it was built for my child. It’s just a spare room now. It’s got books, crystals, coffee table, filing cabinet and pretty much anything i can find to fill the space. The night that we lost the baby i had so much anger; to the universe, to me. I refused to go in that room again, eventually i had to force myself.
After that my emotions hit rock bottom, like bottom of the ocean. Dark thoughts, heavy emotions, i couldn’t feel that happiness again. I thought about how i could do this, how could i be so care-less to myself that this would be the result.
I was always conscious and in control of my depression. It took me a lot longer than it should have to be aware of what i was doing. I realised i was no longer in control, i just knew it was there and did nothing to change it.
I reached out to my husband and i’m glad i did. It upset him, it scared him but he was there for me when i said “hey, i need you a bit more today”
He has supported me more than i could ever. He has allowed us to change our everyday lives so i can be happy and healthy. I no longer work full time, i am no longer in management or even a position with that importance. There is no working myself to exhaustion or the pressure i put on myself to perform for someone else’s goals.
I now work casual so i can pay my part in the mortgage, the rest we have either cancelled out, or taken a different way for smaller repayments and my husband now takes care of that and with a little extra from me at times it goes to what ever i can help with. With this i can focus on all the studying i want to do to gain the knowledge and skills to have a successful business of my own. I can focus on my health and happiness and enjoy life where my husband doesn’t need to be scheduled in. Yes, we are living on struggle street for a while but at the end of the day we can see this works for us, is healthy for us and we are even happier because of these changes. I look forward to a successful year in personal growth and certificates going on the wall and when my body says it’s right, a human addition to the family.
It has been… an eventful half year i must say.