Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish 

Family is a tough cookie to crack. 

I don’t have a little family but it’s also not a big one. Growing up we were all pretty close. There were a lot of times in my teenage years I felt like all I did was try to make my mother and sister happy. I never stood up for myself, I never spoke about how I was feeling and when anyone made a joke at my expense I went along with it too even though it would cut straight through me. 

In the last few years I have really started to understand myself, my soul. Looking back I think I did all that because my mother and sister were my biggest role models. The women I aspired to be. 

My mother; single mother of 3 kids. Strong, independent and a hard worker. She made sure us kids never went without the necessities and we always got spoilt in small ways like movies, snacks, big things at Chrissy like a trampoline, swing set, TVs not spoilt as in always got what we wanted when we wanted it, and not shit that was useless. 

The only thing I wish for was that she could reward herself and us the way she wanted. I know she wanted big family holidays, maybe a cruise or road trip or a flight overseas, really just anywhere. I wish that work could have been kinder to her for her to be able to force family Sunday’s to continue. Today, I couldn’t tell you a thing about my brother; what he does for a job, what he likes to do with his kids or even his favourite movie. 

My sister; four years older than me and my biggest idol growing up. That’s what big sisters are for. It wasn’t easy though. I was getting into high school and liking boys, needing advice on how to wear make up and of course body changes. It wasn’t her fault that at that age when I needed her most that it was her time to become a woman, she was past boys and into serious relationships, strong friend ships, partying on the weekends and hanging out with her friends on week days. I felt like my best friend didn’t need me anymore. I often think of the missed opportunities we had to use as bonding time. 

A few years ago my mums ex boyfriend who she was once engaged to when I was young came to visit. ( this guy is the man I call my dad. He is nothing short of my father because for a long time he was the only man I trusted and loved me) so he came to visit for Chrissy because a few months before we had started talking again. A month after that visit I had a thought to move to central QLD and I had an urge to follow my gut, get scared and change my life. Luke (my now fiancé) decided he would come with me. So I worked up the courage to call my dad and ask if we could bunk with him. A month after that thought we were moving interstate. At 19 we were making our own life path. 

Ever since then I have been making myself happy. 

I am my own role model! I work my ass off everyday, I keep my house in order, I clean my clothes, I take care of my car, I bought myself a brand new car in fact. Even though I am young, at only 23 years young I do not drink, I do not party, I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I like to look after my fiancé and cuddle him and my fur baby each and every night. Every now and then we like to sit and just thank one another and say we are proud of ourselves because we have done this on our own. 

It’s not all sunshine and daisies though. When I talk to some family members I get the guilt trap comments about how I never visit. I do understand how they feel, but I don’t know how else to explain that we have built ourselves a good life and can’t be the only ones expected to spend hundreds on plane tickets. Luke has only just be contracted to have holidays too. I won a holiday through work two years ago and it took us 6 months to save some extra money just so we could still afford rent while Luke didn’t get paid for his time off. We didn’t even save enough to spend when we were there. 

This post has surfaced some old feelings obviously but this is about me ! 

I am proud of me because I am finally 100% happy with me, with what I do, with my outlook on life and I will sacrifice anything for my wedding this year. For once I will not let anyone ruin my vibes, upset me for being happy and having goals. 

Meditation helps me see inside my soul, clear my mind and refocus on my goals and inner peace with myself. 
My mind feels clear, my chest lighter, my soul happier ✌🏼


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